memory lane...

Halloween, a day for the dead. Dead loved ones, friends, colleagues, saints, pets or even just an acquaintance. I watched a segment in the news the other day about a cemetery wherein its not people that are being buried-- but feelings. Why not? I asked myself. It would have been a relief to bury the negative side of you (just make sure you don't join them yourself 6 feet below the ground, haha!) and let your pride, pessimistic attitude along with insensitivity and other ugly traits you possess find their place-- down below and hope it won't ever resurface.

What about those nega people around you? It would have been very tempting to bury them as well but just leave the job to someone who is tasked to do it and wash that dirty thought away from your sinful mind! A soul mate once told me that there's always something good innate in each and everyone of us, just lying dormant for some reason. We see what we allow our eyes to see and make those we don't want to see as invisible. There's a reason why people behave, think and feel the way they do. They may not be right all the time but who knows how we ought to behave, think and feel?! We are our own masters and we are weaved different from the others. Its our right to express ourselves but we do not have the monopoly on it.

At one point, you may have argued with your loved ones. You don't mean to hurt them but you were able to. You don't bury the person and leave her from your past for it will always haunt you and darn that memory you got! You find yourself looking back on the good times when you're supposed to remember the bad ones, right? How can that be that you find yourself smiling when you're supposed to be smirking hearing the name?!

You can never close entirely your doors to someone who's been a part of you, no matter how you try. Like those people we visit on their grave each year, they're gone but in our hearts they're still very much in there. There are days, nights that we are haunted by their thoughts, their names, we reach out yet we could not touch or hold them but we know and we feel that they are there.

The love is not lost... sometimes unexpressed yeah...but never gone.

my flower girl...

mean what you say, say what you mean...

You must be kidding me?! That's my initial reaction when Dj (a friend of mine) told me about an eloquent spiel from my lost soulmate. I wouldn't have dare to believe him that the "flower girl" is still up following my trail. I had to laugh for all that she had comically said. I don't need to be brutal since she doesn't matter to me. She can say whatever she want to say and it was just like...yeah, a passing gas. I know the real story and in my heart i know that I'm just fighting for what i believed is right and proper...nothing wrong with that. I can sleep well and for sure anger is not in my heart at all so it can be seen on how i write my journey.

Things happened for a lot of reasons and you try to learn from every mishap and mistakes you make, that's part of life. Pick up the pieces and move on. I never looked back but obviously she did. Sometimes its our guilt that's making us look back, wondering what would have been if we made the right move? What the other person is thinking? A criminal would always go back to the site of his crime, is he not? Its the same conscience that makes us react negatively because we know they could be right about you. CONSCIENCE keeps more people awake than coffee, and not just some iced tea.

You're still free to say what you want to say and i won't even flinch. I would have to be in drugs if i ever talk to you again so, DREAM ON! good luck to you and uhmmm... i'd rather pray and read the Bible to bring myself peace and seek forgiveness for the word said and unsaid, so you can do those researching for me dear. :P I've said all that i need to say and now its time to heal. I've occupied too many space in this site for a person and things that belongs from a fairy tale land...i'm awakened!

Thanks for dropping by fella! It's a COMPLIMENT.

words...

more than just writing

Respect begets respect and excuses are just for the weak. we should all take responsibility to all our actions and words. Words are not just meant to be spoken and written eloquently but to honor them as well. What’s a man with articulation if without a word of honor? We can’t just drop them and go then pretend we didn’t said anything. You can fool a millions of your readers but to fool yourself is absurd.

Lucky are those who can see beyond other people’s feelings not just because they’re family, friends and colleagues but merely because they are human. Fortunate are those who can read yet clearly see what the other person is conveying and blessed are those who can accept their weaknesses and shortcomings regardless of their social stature. We all expect our children to be responsible even at the age of 7, so how much more for a 30 year old?

But i don’t have time to distinguish between the unfortunate and the INCOMPETENT…just be RESPONSIBLE!

awful wind...

simple pleasure

I often write for my own pleasure about the things that fascinates me. My mom said i'm very conscientious and i always took that as a compliment. Writing is my therapy from all the hurts and PAIN, from the disappointments down to my frustrations, to my JOY and success--my pen has been a constant companion. I always find a sense of satisfaction freeing my thoughts away as i scribble the emotions through my journals. Reading them back gives me a feeling of fulfillment of overcoming one obstacle after another.

I was and am content...that way.

Until i started to explore and spread my wings a little wider than i ought to be. Fancy the cool breeze only to be taken by an awful wind. That wind brought me to a different heights and promised me a tempting glory. Lost with my own parade i glide a different course...

I now stand between believing and betrayal, of trust and of love, of friendship and of foe, of simplicity and complex for the things that happened and didn't happened. I concluded, i can always soar high in my own pace and with my own ways. With my pen always hidden... from the awful wind's eye.

learn to be still...

I am but a flower in the wild
certainly know how to be alone.
I am a child of silence
and solace is my brother.

'till i wander around the desert
got lost in my own labyrinth.
sore my veins with its infusion
and made way to disillusion.

broken promises and failed relationships,
loving too much and trusting too soon.
all these fragmented my benchmark
for euphoria.

i'd close my eyes and dare not move
till the wind bring me back to silence.
i'd stay there and find my home
as i learn how... to be still .

last resort...

tower of strength

" Is praying like magic, mommy? " my eldest son asked me. I was a bit stunned i don't know if its because of the question or more of the answer. Some of us often look at prayer like some kind of a magic indeed, right? We tell God what we want and how we want it, when we want it and why we want it hoping He will do just exactly as He have been told through our prayers. Then we received it and when our prayers are granted we sometimes forget how to say "thank you". I myself is guilty of that.

Many of us pray as if God were a big aspirin pill, we come only when we are hurt. Prayer is not some sort of magic as well no matter how magical it seems to be. Major truth is most of us pray and remember to pray only when we are wounded, sad, in pain, in the dark, lost and in other negative feelings. Although the bible says it is good for in praying and talking to God will give us the peace that only Him can provide, it also helps that we remember Him, His goodness and love even when the sun is shining so bright for us.

I personally view praying as a way of conversing or really talking to God. Not just saying a memorized verse or prayers just so they were called "prayer". Praying is the time when I shed all my inhibitions away and lock my pretensions somewhere else. Bare and naked I open myself up and let every thoughts flow out of me. Let Him know what and how i feel regardless if its positive or not. God knows all our needs, our pains and our sufferings. But just like any other parent or confidant, He feels good when we approached Him and trust Him all our burdens. When we allow Him to be the Captain to run our ship rather than let God see how we run it and how we ruined it on our own. Then when our ship is about to sink-- that's when we call God for help or SOS.

Let us take time out to be silent so we can hear our hearts and our minds. Prayer also includes thanksgiving and praises not just asking for things to happen on our time like magic. Because what God wants for us is even better than any magical dreams we ever had. Prayer is not merely an occasional impulse to which we respond when we are in trouble; prayer is a life attitude so let's not make it our...LAST RESORT.

echoes of the heart...

8000 miles away

"The best of a book is not the thought which it contains, but the thought which it suggests; just as the charm of music dwells not in the tones...but in the echoes of our hearts..."



Everyone will agree on me if i say that long distance relationship is one if not the hardest kind of relationship to maintain. Most lovers often just let it go to stop the pain and complications the distance is causing them. Giving up on someone who's thousand miles away may not be that hard as it is from someone who' just around, regardless of how much we love the person. Maybe because we are too focus on the physicality of the relationship that we do not pay importance on the love itself? Or we can also be too tired to give love a fight ? It is indeed admiring to know that other people are willing to ache, fight and work out on their relationship no matter how far they are from each other.

Dwelling and sulking on the distance will definitely not help you ease the pain of missing him. Distance is a very frustrating fact of reality whenever you feel like touching, holding and feeling that person and the least you can do is grab a pillow and hold it too tight. Hoping and wishing you'd feel that familiar warmth. So instead, we try to stay away from that line of thinking just to keep our sanity.

We long and ache some more when the person we love is either sick or down or is feeling that same ugly feeling you do, and you feel ready to swim the ocean just to be near him. Climb on the mountains just to be half way to where he is. So instead, we close our eyes and dream. If wishes are true...we'd be holding each other in a blink of an eye.

Then we realize how hard it is and painful could be an understatement. But love is there shouting and striking both your very hearts, so you have to deal with it and deal with it good! So instead, we try to meditate on the other avenue of thought. We dwell more on the feelings, on love and of trust that LOYALTY and FAITHFULNESS are being pledged in the absence of physical nearness. With every beat of my heart I hear a faint sound, an echo of a heart beat with love all around, The message is simple as it calls out to YOU..."I will love you forever...our whole lives thru..."


We may be 8000 miles away from the one we love but hang on and keep loving, keep fighting, let the LOVE echoes from our hearts and be heard...8000 miles away.

heart of the matter...

It's so easy to give opinions and remarks on the things that we know nothing about and believe that it make ourselves look smarter. Somebody told me that it makes more sense to ask someone who's not involve to get a reasonable answer if you're looking for truth, but i beg to disagree. Some of them may give you fiction instead of facts. There's a vast difference between seeing and perceiving, believing and of feeling.

Some people can be really judgmental, they often measure somebody's worth base on your actions and norms of the society. If you don't follow those norms then there must be something wrong with you. If you fell in love to the real essence of the word to a person who is married you'll hear a lot of negative things from other people. They will even call you names no Webster Dictionary could ever define. If you weren't able to finish school, you'll be subject to different kinds of stories enough to win the Pulitzer prize award. If you have been convicted of a crime and served some time in jail they will stay away from you like as if you have leprosy or a horrible disease.

Its hard to explain and defend yourself to people who'd already made up their minds about you. They will only see the things they want to see and believe the ones they want to believe. There might be some people who's willing to see the other side of the coin and give you all the benefits of the doubt. But sometimes you miss that opportunity to clean your name because you're too afraid to try and to be rejected even more. You probably think its just a waste of time or you don't want things to get more complicated.

So, everyday you drag yourself to live your life and keep all the hurts inside while your silence is being taken as an evidence against you and this kind of stories are history that will keep repeating itself because you haven't deal with the heart of the matter. While there is truth in saying we are not accountable to anyone but God, it does help that we deal with the issue once the opportunity is given to us. People may or may not believe you, but a good name is always worth a try.

rush and the ride...

Yeah, RIDE the LIGHTNING... for its impact might shaken your stagnant mind and warm your cold heart to make you realize the painful reality you put me through... And once you've felt the sharp pain running through your veins, somehow you'll might not want to inflict that same kind of 'death in the air' unto anyone else... anymore. Love is a chaos, so embrace it, live it, breathe...and enjoy the RUSH and the RIDE.

face of love

What does love look like, does anybody know? Love may be one if not the simplest thing to write or say yet is a topic that is so hard to comprehend. Some people die without knowing what love is while others are still around...not knowing where love is.

I once traveled the road where love is a faceless man.Where heart beats as stable and breathing comes as easy. When words are unspoken, my ears strained to hear and when actions are unseen, i blindly made believe.

But I guess i cross the path where my heart grew tired and weary. Where summer is not as warm and spring no longer blooms. On a naked eye i long to see, the beauty of love that has never known. Will I ever see love...will i ever be loved?

A lot of pain and some rejections brushed my heart a couple of times. It only evokes a deeper yearning, of being wanted and to be needed. At a crossroad i stand, with my heart bare naked. Unclothed, without inhibitions i dared to walk with trust. He may not be the person i thought he is nor am i ready to be the answer to all of his needs. But I'm willing to give love another chance and perhaps myself another try.

He took my hand and lead me on to a road i once traveled--alone. I allowed him and let the feeling flow. As he tell me he how much he cares. This heart will trust, this heart will feel and love will conquer all obstacles. We know the road will not be easy but together we will make it. As he brushed his lips against mine, eyes are closed and heart ever trusting, i whispered "this is the night...i touch the face of LOVE".