the child in me

Being off from work for a couple of weeks certainly have its positive and negative sides. Positive because I was able to rest and have more time with the people i love, get to read a lot, surf and browse the net for nothing in particular. Well i came across another social network site which i can't say if its been positive or not for me. I was able to meet some friends there whom I'm still thinking if they are real or not? Negative side of being a bum for a while is the discomfort of your brains working even if you already feel like resting. I get to meditate and think a lot on almost every aspect of the past 31 years in this journey of life. One of the painful thought aside from my partner is another man---my dad.

My grandmother used to tell me that I am very much like my dad so that's probably why we get to clash a lot! He used to be very loving and very supportive in whatever I do. Encouraged me in writing, sports and school. I've never known anyone who can trust and believe in me aside from my hero, my dad. He was my silent drive to be the best that I can be, my confidant and my worst critic. I thought everything was fine until another woman ruined everything me and my dad worked hard for, for the last 31 years of my existence. I can say Ive always been "daddy's little girl". But I've long accepted the fact that he also needs to be happy, he have a life too and he needs someone to love him in a way that I can't. He is a man and certainly have needs too. But somewhere along the way i guess the chain I thought was strongly supporting us was cut lose, by what or by whom...that I didn't know.

I continued my journey away from him, it was hard at first but i did it. It's been a while since I last saw him and talked to him "man to man" as he often call it. He's far different from the man I thought he was when I was a child. He seem tired and old---restless. He changed a lot, but maybe not that much. The same ego is still very much in there. He said he doesn't want to talk to me because he has nothing material to give me, which to me is such a blow! Obviously...he didn't know me at all.

But then, I am the type of person who always try to give a logical meaning to everything so I can understand them more. I figured maybe dad doesn't mean half of the words he told me. He doesn't mean to hurt me, why would he? I am his daughter...his blood and flesh. Maybe he's scared because he feels alone, maybe he thinks that I don't love him anymore, maybe...it's the child in him longing for love and sense of security from a daughter like me. I myself is a child looking for that kind of love and security. There are times that I want to kiss him, hug him and joke around with him like we used to . But before is like a lifetime ago...he's too far.

Looking back it pains me to realize where we are at right now. Is it his pride or mine because he abandoned me? Is it his childishness for refusing to see me first and would rather wait for me, or is it mine? I've always been told that I am a smart egg and headstrong, independent and confident. That i am a great warrior in life cause I have an 80 year old brain in a 31 year old body---maybe I'm not...I get bruised still, hurt and silently weep for all my pains and loses. They expected too much from me that they never saw, the child in me.

I still need someone to guide me, encourage me and lead me to the right path. My dad was good in that and I don't know when will we ever settle our differences. I hope the right time and opportunity will be given to us. I hope that it will never be too late. Until then, i will just have to pray for him to see that I am still very much...daddy's little girl.
I miss you dad...

Mirrors have two faces...

So there it was, believing that something good is bound to happen. You take on the bait and put down your shield only to find out that danger is just 'round the corner. You thought you were smart, but maybe not that smart little girl. Did you saw it? Read the right signs? Or are you reading that one-faced person in the mirror? Its when you try to see the beautiful things that you only allow your eyes to see and feel those sweetness that you made yourself to believe was there.

disillusioned...is what it is Angel.

You refused to take that mirrors have two faces. You only look at the reflection that you wanted to see and never wonder if those are real. Because you continue to hope that he is the image you are painfully dreaming for so long. You take in everything he feeds your imagination only to be left hanging on the air. Then you allow the hurt, disappointments and frustrations run through your veins-- that you can breathe them out only to inhale it back some more...

but that's okay...

You'll get over it princess...You might be hurting but it wont cripple you for long...You might be in pain but it wont last forever. You needed someone who will love you and treat you special, you thought it was him---but then you are wrong, so what?! No harm in trying only lessons learned Angel. That MIRRORS indeed...have TWO FACES.

Walk Away...

How can we say that love is real or when it's not ? how can we tell if its love and not just lust? In a world where love have different faces, different meanings, different facades it will be so hard to tell. But will you really be happy in a relationship when you know that there is someone who is hurting every time you smile? That someone is hurting just the moment your heart burst with happiness? Is it really happiness that you will feel whenever the ray of truth reveals itself? No, no my dear...you can never claim the title of being happy with the person you love when you can't barely keep him.

Love is sweet as it feeds your inner fantasies, as it nourish the woman in you and you know you can never turn back. And the pain of letting go is almost as painful as dying itself. But there's also truth in saying that pain will not remain forever. The thought and memories may linger but the hurt or pain itself will reach its natural death.

I know that it will take a lot of courage to turn your back to something you find so right and beautiful my friend. But then devil have lots of faces. I know that you'll be able to get out of the darkness that you're in right now. Be strong and firm. We stumble every once in a while, but nobody says that you can't stand up again. Every time we fall is a good chance and opportunity of proving what we are made of.

There might be a dark heavy clouds over your head. But later on, maybe tomorrow will be a lot better. When the first ray of sunlight appears from the sky, it will light up your whole day ahead and make you feel better. Letting go is so hard to do and so is with moving on. When you've invested a lot in terms of emotions and when you already built a future together.

But you need to get it back whatever that he's taken from you...and if that love is real, strong and meant to be it will always find it's way home. So go ahead and cry for a while, for all you've lost and gained. Then start putting a foot forward...one step at a time, until you can gradually--finally...walk away.

Life is a battle...

LIFE indeed is a battle. You have to think, analyze the situation and plan your moves. Things may not always go our way or as we planned it but what's important is that you stay focus and determined to survive and keep your self alive!

There will be decisions to make. Some are simple others are complicated. In life we must also learn to take the risk, that's what life or battle is all about anyway. Either we do what we've been told and have the easy way...or we stand with what we believe in and risk losing something.

Problems, struggles and failures should never be a hindrance to success. For this things brings out and develop not only strength but CHARACTER as well! As they say " the stronger the wind,the tougher are the trees ".
We all have our own battles in life. But whether we fought our way to victory or defeat, let's be sure that we've given dear LIFE...a good fight!