salt and wounds

Life no matter how you look at it whether as a journey or a battle will always give you adversity, trials and obstacles. Even the Lord Himself tells us that life will never be easy and this trials we are all facing will mold us into a person of strength and of character, wherein the process can be truly painful. No great warrior went home from a battle without any bruises and even wounds. Some even died on the mission or killed in action while others are wounded for life. Each of us have our own battles that will need some compassion from any of us.

"At some point in our life we get to a crossroad that will require us to choose which path to take. Sometimes we choose the one that seems easy to us only to find out that its a sharp turn you made. You can look back but you can never turn back. You may wonder what if you took the other road but you can never live on it. So, you play with the cards that you have and travel the road that you chose. It was a dirt road, ugly, steep and uneven. But what the heck?! Its your choice, so you proudly walk to it albeit the cuts and wounds you get. You fell, the pain knocked you off, cuts you even more enough to open your heart out, you crawled until you get to stand up again, limping in pain you started to walk some more.
Along the road you get to meet a black butterfly just when you're about to pass out from all the blood you've lost, feeling dizzy from the hurts and your pain you made an effort to hear what that butterfly was saying. Only to knock you off deeper to your grave itself. Her wings slapped your face left and right, then another left and right until you can no longer hold your neck straight. Spit on you a poisonous liquid that painfully runs through the rest of your remaining blood, slowly breaking you down into pieces. Is it painful? How does it feel? What does it taste? Is it sour? Bitter? Or does the pain numbs all of your senses? Do you feel it? Or can you still feel it? When the salt spread generously in all of your open wounds, does it feel anything?
You shut your eyes too tight and savour the pain. Intensely tearing your soul apart, then you breathe-- slowly...and you keep on breathing until you feel you're still alive! You open your eyes once more and seen the black butterfly has gone. Left you with nothing...but a broken spirit."

We never know what battles each of us are facing? What kind of road the other one traveled? How did he get all his wounds, bruises and the other questions that the naked eye cannot see nor answer. Words can heal or break a person even more. It can heal or it can kill. Words spoken out of love and compassion can bring a person up no matter how dead he seems to be.
We are all part of one body and should remain as one body. None of us are enemy of the other but a comrade who should fight for one another.
We may not have all the money or material things that can make another person live comfortably, but we have hearts to love enormously and kind words to soothe every wounds of each other's soul. Wounds no matter how small they are is already painful as it is. Adding salt to an already open wounds is an abnormal thing to do, unless you consider yourself barbaric.
You too may travel the wrong road, may get cut, bruised and wounded. Walk on and keep walking, when you pass on a black butterfly...smile and say "my wounds would be just fine, thanks for the salt but its the sugar i need."

connections...

"Blood is thicker than water", an old cliche na masyado ng gasgas so to speak but will always hold true among every family. A few days ago I posted on public what to me can be considered a very private journal entry. It was written few years back for my father. For some reason, I just felt like posting it and so I did without giving it much thought. I bare my heart and soul in that piece and it did evoked different comments and views from friends and loved ones alike. All of them were taken in good spirit, hehe!

My dad has been an OFW for as long as I can remember. When I was young and I think of him, all I can see is a plane taking off or the jewelries I will be receiving in a few more months. Everything was superficial back then. Suki na sya ng mga airlines bound to Saudi Arabia. That was the second country i remember i was able to write when i was in Kinder after learning to write Philippines syempre. Then I grew up with my Lola and Lolo who think the world of me (spoiled brat? nah! I'm not).

Needless to say being an OFW is never and i guess will NEVER be an easy job, either for those who will be working overseas and to the families they will be leaving behind. Our local church pastor is even vocal in saying those jobs post a big threat on our family as a unit. You never see your children grow and so you end up not knowing them at all, some marital responsibility will be overlooked and so the risk on being cheated is on and will highly be there, the physical and emotional distance he said will test every part of the family and if you're not strong enough...you might lose it. "Is it worth it?" I once asked my dad then he would say "May choice ba tayo?" and I'd fell silent. Oo nga naman, our country is rich with talented and brilliant people but its the resources or the opportunity of a good job that we are lacking. As a result some people pack their things and with eyes half closed they go to a different land and seek a "greener pasture" like what my dad did. Not because he wanted to but more because he NEEDED to. On our end naman we tried to have our presence felt by him. Snail mail pa lang ang uso noon and of course a few calls every once in a while. Maybe that developed my love for writing, and the burning desire for PLDT to install a phone in our house has influenced me too in a way, so ngayon Call Center agent ako, haha!

Physical distance from your family especially your kids can be a good faith-testing-exercise. Your strength and patience being developed whenever there's a bad news about the country lalo na pag sa pamilya, nakaka loka talaga! But like what dad once said "we don't have much choice daughter". Because there are people who rely and depend on us and we love them too much to let them down. So the new label for OFW "Bagong Bayani" fits them well. Hopefully more than just the label there will also be an added benefits for the unsung heroes.

My dad was not an exclusion in those pain and so am I being his child. His constantly being away and the diminishing communication with him made the love somehow withered and insecurity slowly crawled in. Communication just like in any relationship be it short, medium or long distance is very important like water to plants, oxygen to humans, fertilizer to soil, we just can't live without it. Buti nga ngayon there are so many ways to communicate, there's internet that allows you to even see the person on your screen, cellphones to call and TEXT to the point that our thumb gets stiff, snail mail of course (i find it sweeter pa nga to receive one), there are so many medium now to communicate to somehow lessen the pain of missing one another.

Two days after posting that painful journal entry out of the chest i received a call from my stepmom, telling me my dad is in the hospital and in not so good of a condition. Without doubts and hesitation i went to see him. He look pleased in seeing me though he was in ICU, he opened his eyes three times to look and smiled at me. I stayed with him everyday at the hospital and realized how fragile LIFE is. I could have lost him without telling him i love him. Well, that will be water under the bridge now.

I wonder why did i post that journal? Is it because I've been thinking about my dad lately and pains me to realize how did we end up to? Or is it because he's been thinking about me too or could it be because he was in the hospital at that time? And just what a coincidence of after posting it we finally have both the courage to face the ugly truth that we lost each other somewhere along the tracks? But that's okay, we learn from our mistakes. No matter how painful it is its still a lesson well learned.

"Relationships, not achievements or the acquisition of things, are what matters most in life". In my experience, I allowed too much pain and insecurity along with self pity to see beyond my father's motives in working abroad. It was hard for me but must be hell for him too! In my deepest understanding of what a FAMILY is, i came to realize that no matter what you've been through, where you've been at and how different you seem to be, CONNECTION will always be there in different forms and different meanings. For almost every bad fall or bad things that happens to us our FAMILY will always be the last to leave us, after all as an old cliche says "Blood is thicker than water".

my thanksgiving

there was once a little girl, bruised by the worlds injustice and pain. she would often dream and wonder how it was to be on the other side of the road? at her tender age she get to realize the ugly truth that the world is not a fairy tale to live in. but she kept her faith and continue to hope for something good.

the situations presented to that little girl has made her 10 times older than her age, the youth in her cannot stop her from complaining every time she get wounded. she felt alone, helpless and deserted. but through the sad moments of her struggling life she get to know that FAMILIAR VOICE unheard by many. It soothed her wounds with loving words and reassuring promises, He would tell her, "do not fear my sweet child for I will never leave you".

She was a little girl and she believed...

the road the little girl traveled was never easy nor even. often times the pain of the experiences would shake her but the hands of that FAMILIAR VOICE would steady and keep her focus on the path she needs to take. "I am here my child, do not be frightened", He would say.

though the wind gets tough and wolves are always at the door the soothing promises and love of that FAMILIAR VOICE will remind the little girl to be still and keep the faith. she may not be the best warrior, but she get to pass that faith testing road by the grace and love of that FAMILIAR VOICE.

...i continue to take my journey with faith and new hope each day that the LORD has been giving me. at the moment i have also learned to see the beauty and value of LIFE, now that HE allowed me to see the purpose of my existence. i am not traveling my journey alone...and i never was. i have always had a great HANDS who holds me, comfort me, love me and HEALS me...with the VOICE that still me when i am shaken and WORDS that strengthen and comforts me.

i am still a sinner and i know that the road up there to get where HE is, is as ugly and hard as i can remember. but i will never FEAR...in my heart of hearts i know that the FAMILIAR VOICE will never leave me. never before...never will be...

i have grown up from that little girl that i was...

but i still BELIEVE...

my LORD...this is my THANKSGIVING.

from your little girl,
"cRiZel"

i am my own self

Have you ever been in love with a person who just think of you as a friend? When he keeps on hurting you and still you painfully, blindly, stupidly take each blow like as if its just the "first time"? I sometimes think I've moved on but his presence bluntly tells me i haven't made half a step yet to be considered moving.

Is it really wise to allow your self to fall for your best friend and risk losing him on the process? Should i take the risk of putting a good friendship on the line as a collateral to something that MAY or MAY NOT work?

I DID...

I loved, for I am real and human. I say I LOVE YOU because i mean it and can feel every letter of the words beating from the core of my heart. Not just a passing fancy of wanting to say it because you feel that you need to say it.

We love in different ways and with different intentions. But I'd rather be hated for something that I am than be loved for something I am not. Getting into a relationship just because you want to help and change things for her/him is never a good foundation and reason to be together. We can't change someone to be that "someone" we want them to be nor can we change the course of the wind and change things for them. Acceptance and loving beyond the imperfections are the measures of true love. Others can be a good feeling too but only for a fleeting moment...and everything else will be just a wasted time...

love me...hate me...i am my own self.

Masquerade Ball

Everybody is masked, pretending to be somebody they're not. They are that "somebody" they wanted to be, for who or for what we will never know. Who are they? I can't hardly tell. Which one is real from which one is a facade? Seems like they're just as same.

My grandmother once told me that its not so bad to wear a mask, it's nice she said to once in a while live with your fantasies and learn a lesson from living in there. But I think I tried to live in a world too complex for me and was stunned with the truth that no matter how hard you try REALITY will always snap you back into your own world.

People wear those mask for different reasons in different occasions. Others are putting on a hard front to cover their weakness and build their defenses on. Some people finds a soft one more effective in hiding the strong personality they got. Believing that soft and weak person are rather easy to gain love and affection. But whatever the reason is and no matter how good the intentions are you will always need to check that you still have a grasp with your own reality. Go to dreamland baby, but keep your sanity to know your way home.

Dreams even nightmares have their own endings just like any other story is. Wear that mask its okay dear, but the most important thing is knowing the REAL person in you...behind the MASK. As for me, I will allow others to see, accept and love me for the real me. So if ever they do not approve of what their eyes can see, I can always say that's all I got and everything I am.

So take a bow sweetie...for the masquerade ball has just ended.

on being a child of God

I had the privileged of seeing the world in its true colors, less the fancy paint of a fairy tale land. To the people I've met and talked to the world may not be a PARADISE. But the hope for a happy ending has never ended.

There was a mission in my local church to visit a poor area for feeding, counseling and sharing the word of God. It has been a very enlightening experience for me and i can boldly say that the experience did me good and helped me a lot more than i was to them. The ugly truth about poverty, pain from almost every aspect and hunger for food and for the Word of God were very evident. The injustice and disrespect for this people have made them feel the hole and emptiness from this world. Yet the faith to God and His promises are what keeping them fighting to survive this so called LIFE.

I wonder how much the corrupt officials are earning from our hard earned money to pay our taxes and yet cannot do anything to supply enough food for its people? No decent homes to shelter them with when they feel cold during the rainy days. Not even a clean water for them to forget their hunger and no education for the children to build their future on. When the service men who promised to protect the people and the land are the same people who are stepping on their rights just because they don't have the money. When did respect for humans has been dependent by how much money you have or the place where you live or the educational background you have? Being poor on material things has never and should never be a CRIME! At the end of our journey it's not how much we've attained in terms of superficial and material things that will determine our place in HIS throne, but our hearts.

We are all children of God regardless of our race, color, gender, social status and achievements in life. We all came and will all end on that same loving hands. That is why we are called brothers and sisters.

Kindness toward others and compassion for them are keys in making our ties with this world much stronger. Let's start with being kind to our family, friends and then we can extend it to the ones outside our comfort box. I have learned to thank God for all the blessings that He have unselfishly given to me, knowing in myself that I don't deserve them. In my way, I hope that I can also share that blessing and kindness that I have been given to the others...to fill in that HOLE in this world.