connections...

(thank you soulmate for making this cover article possible for me)

"Blood is thicker than water", an old cliche na masyado ng gasgas so to speak but will always hold true among every family. A few days ago i posted on public what to me can be considered a very private journal entry. It was written few years back for my father. For some reason, I just felt like posting it and so i did without giving it much thought. I bare my heart and soul in that piece and it did evoked different comments and views from friends and loved ones alike. All of them were taken in good spirit, hehe!

My dad has been an OFW for as long as I can remember. When I was young and I think of him, all i can see is a plane taking off or the jewelries I will be receiving in a few more months. Everything was superficial back then. Suki na sya ng mga airlines bound to Saudi Arabia. That was the second country i remember i was able to write when i was in Kinder after learning to write Philippines syempre. Then I grew up with my Lola and Lolo who think the world of me (spoiled brat? nah! I'm not).

Needless to say being an OFW is never and i guess will NEVER be an easy job, either for those who will be working overseas and to the families they will be leaving behind. Our local church pastor is even vocal in saying those jobs post a big threat on our family as a unit. You never see your children grow and so you end up not knowing them at all, some marital responsibility will be overlooked and so the risk of being cheated is on and will highly be there, the physical and emotional distance he said will test every part of the family and if you're not strong enough...you might lose it. "Is it worth it?" I once asked my dad then he would say "May choice ba tayo?" and I'd fell silent. Oo nga naman, our country is rich with talented and brilliant people but its the resources or the opportunity of a good job that we are lacking. As a result some people pack their things and with eyes half closed they go to a different land and seek a "greener pasture" like what my dad did. Not because he wanted to but more because he NEEDED to. On our end naman we tried to have our presence felt by him. Snail mail pa lang ang uso noon and of course a few calls every once in a while. Maybe that developed my love for writing, and the burning desire for PLDT to install a phone in our house has influenced me too in a way, so ngayon Call Center agent ako, haha!

Physical distance from your family especially your kids can be a good faith-testing-exercise. Your strength and patience being developed whenever there's a bad news about the country lalo na pag sa pamilya, nakaka loka talaga! But like what dad once said "we don't have much choice daughter". Because there are people who rely and depend on us and we love them too much to let them down. So the new label for OFW "Bagong Bayani" fits them well. Hopefully more than just the label there will also be an added benefits for the unsung heroes.

My dad was not an exclusion in those pain and so am I being his child. His constantly being away and the diminishing communication with him made the love somehow withered and insecurity slowly crawled in. Communication just like in any relationship be it short, medium or long distance is very important like water to plants, oxygen to humans, fertilizer to soil, we just can't live without it. Buti nga ngayon there are so many ways to communicate, there's internet that allows you to even see the person on your screen, cellphones to call and TEXT to the point that our thumb gets stiff, snail mail of course (i find it sweeter pa nga to receive one), there are so many medium now to communicate to somehow lessen the pain of missing one another.

Two days after posting that painful journal entry out of the chest i received a call from my stepmom, telling me my dad is in the hospital and in not so good of a condition. Without doubts and hesitation i went to see him. He look pleased in seeing me though he was in ICU, he opened his eyes three times to look and smiled at me. I stayed with him everyday at the hospital and realized how fragile LIFE is. I could have lost him without telling him i love him. Well, that will be water under the bridge now.

I wonder why did i post that journal? Is it because I've been thinking about my dad lately and pains me to realize how did we end up to? Or is it because he's been thinking about me too or could it be because he was in the hospital at that time? And just what a coincidence of after posting it we finally have both the courage to face the ugly truth that we lost each other somewhere along the tracks? But that's okay, we learn from our mistakes. No matter how painful it is its still a lesson well learned.

"Relationships, not achievements or the acquisition of things, are what matters most in life". In my experience, I allowed too much pain and insecurity along with self pity to see beyond my father's motives in working abroad. It was hard for me but must be hell for him too! In my deepest understanding of what a FAMILY is, i came to realize that no matter what you've been through, where you've been at and how different you seem to be, CONNECTION will always be there in different forms and different meanings. For almost every bad fall or bad things that happens to us our FAMILY will always be the last to leave us, after all as an old cliche says "Blood is thicker than water".


*Published in TF Newsmagazine as September 2008 cover issue.

dusk till dawn...

When it rains it pours but if you look very closely you will always see a silver lining. Life is not at all perfect for perfection just like beauty is in the eye of the beholder. What's perfect to me may be insanely awful for the others and vice versa. But through all Life's inevitable change and undying hardships-- comes the grace to overcome them all.

They say that true friends and real people can be seen during the twilight of your life. When you're on your way down to the growing darkness and hope is what all you've got. You become sensitive and aware of all the things and events that's going on around you. You become more appreciative of even those little kindness people are showing you, like giving up a seat for you, adding extra on the food you're buying, friends paying the cab for you and stuff like that can really make your heart feel light. Then you meditate yourself on all the positive thoughts and try to stay away from the ones that will only doom you to more insecurities and further pain. So, you grope, struggle for that "silver lining" and strain your eyes from seeing what lies ahead...

Life is good to those who are good to life itself. The ones who believe that obstacles and trials are there to keep you strong. People who have faith to know that there will be a rainbow after each storm. Those who have endured the test and still managed to walk despite their every fall.

I had my share of twilight and will always have another. But the day won't start and end with darkness. I am at the dawn, where sunrise is just but a few blinks away. So, I'll just sit right here and camp for a while... tired from the journey-- but not giving up.

her song...

When did time has ever been so right nor the place has ever been perfect? FATE, has its own paths and patterns unknown to any soul. Sometimes it play tricks on us not even the brightest player could ever play...nor could ever win.

Your heartaches comes not from loving less or falling out of it . Instead the heart bleeds more from walking away with someone who holds your heart. Its the courage to play the game the fairest way you could. When the future is as empty as a cloudless sky and the promise is as vague as a fog in the air. It takes a brave heart to let go of someone you love knowing that his happiness and dreams lies not with you. The tears will be bitter and painfully flow but the love has earned its spot... deep-- in your core of heart.

trick or treat...

Trick or treat is not a very typical sight in Filipino community, some malls, exclusive village or subdivision may have been practicing it but not everyone does. We are privileged enough though to have them in our village and every year me and my kids keep on missing them since we need to go to the city (Manila) so I could visit my loved ones who departed from Avenue of Life and are busy walking the street of gold. But this year we decided to go and participate the Halloween Parade.

It was a chaos, unorganized event to a point of being on a stampede and the bad weather is not helping any. I guess we have been treated and tricked afterwards, haha! It was a beautiful sight at the beginning watching Casper walking along with Batman while a Witch was having a girl chat with a Fairy but the moment candies were given i found myself in a parade of disaster. At one time, there was a fourth grader who took a bag of candies from my son's Halloween loot bag just when he was about to open it to receive another candy from a good soul. That explains why he was losing goodies instead of gaining them, because a "real ghost" was on the site! So, I told my kids just to stay away from them.

I've been to a point of taking them home when older kids started to stepped on the younger ones with their umbrellas almost poking the lil one's eyes just so they can get candies. I told myself that if i just bought my kids candies and goodies instead of paying the registration fee then i don't have to put myself on a risk of heart attack! Darn people! You don't make a career trying to get as much candies on a trick or treat you know! So long at last the parade was over and the dinner party isn't much fun at all. Hamburglar (Mc Donald's mascot) was dancing over the soaking wet kids under the rain and the host was asking if they still wanted to play a game while parents are wanting to go home and call it an early day at 7 in the evening.

It was such a relief to finally be inside and embrace the warmth of our house. All of my disappointments and fatigue has disappeared especially when my kids told me they had fun and would wanted to do it again next year! In some ways it was fun, with people ready to give away their time and effort to organize a party like that and make children happy. Bless those souls who spend money buying those goodies and candies despite our economic crisis just to put a smile on our kids face. Bless that Hamburglar mascot who chose to dance in that Halloween party instead of being home.

If we only see things through the eyes of a child and be happy in simple things like they are, LIFE perhaps will not be that complicated. Then we can learn to appreciate everything and everyone around us. Find blessings either on being tricked or treated. So at the end of the day we can enjoy the fruits of success-- SWEET as candies!

memory lane...

Halloween, a day for the dead. Dead loved ones, friends, colleagues, saints, pets or even just an acquaintance. I watched a segment in the news the other day about a cemetery wherein its not people that are being buried-- but feelings. Why not? I asked myself. It would have been a relief to bury the negative side of you (just make sure you don't join them yourself 6 feet below the ground, haha!) and let your pride, pessimistic attitude along with insensitivity and other ugly traits you possess find their place-- down below and hope it won't ever resurface.

What about those nega people around you? It would have been very tempting to bury them as well but just leave the job to someone who is tasked to do it and wash that dirty thought away from your sinful mind! A soul mate once told me that there's always something good innate in each and everyone of us, just lying dormant for some reason. We see what we allow our eyes to see and make those we don't want to see as invisible. There's a reason why people behave, think and feel the way they do. They may not be right all the time but who knows how we ought to behave, think and feel?! We are our own masters and we are weaved different from the others. Its our right to express ourselves but we do not have the monopoly on it.

At one point, you may have argued with your loved ones. You don't mean to hurt them but you were able to. You don't bury the person and leave her from your past for it will always haunt you and darn that memory you got! You find yourself looking back on the good times when you're supposed to remember the bad ones, right? How can that be that you find yourself smiling when you're supposed to be smirking hearing the name?!

You can never close entirely your doors to someone who's been a part of you, no matter how you try. Like those people we visit on their grave each year, they're gone but in our hearts they're still very much in there. There are days, nights that we are haunted by their thoughts, their names, we reach out yet we could not touch or hold them but we know and we feel that they are there.

The love is not lost... sometimes unexpressed yeah...but never gone.

my flower girl...

mean what you say, say what you mean...

You must be kidding me?! That's my initial reaction when Dj (a friend of mine) told me about an eloquent spiel from my lost soulmate. I wouldn't have dare to believe him that the "flower girl" is still up following my trail. I had to laugh for all that she had comically said. I don't need to be brutal since she doesn't matter to me. She can say whatever she want to say and it was just like...yeah, a passing gas. I know the real story and in my heart i know that I'm just fighting for what i believed is right and proper...nothing wrong with that. I can sleep well and for sure anger is not in my heart at all so it can be seen on how i write my journey.

Things happened for a lot of reasons and you try to learn from every mishap and mistakes you make, that's part of life. Pick up the pieces and move on. I never looked back but obviously she did. Sometimes its our guilt that's making us look back, wondering what would have been if we made the right move? What the other person is thinking? A criminal would always go back to the site of his crime, is he not? Its the same conscience that makes us react negatively because we know they could be right about you. CONSCIENCE keeps more people awake than coffee, and not just some iced tea.

You're still free to say what you want to say and i won't even flinch. I would have to be in drugs if i ever talk to you again so, DREAM ON! good luck to you and uhmmm... i'd rather pray and read the Bible to bring myself peace and seek forgiveness for the word said and unsaid, so you can do those researching for me dear. :P I've said all that i need to say and now its time to heal. I've occupied too many space in this site for a person and things that belongs from a fairy tale land...i'm awakened!

Thanks for dropping by fella! It's a COMPLIMENT.

words...

more than just writing

Respect begets respect and excuses are just for the weak. we should all take responsibility to all our actions and words. Words are not just meant to be spoken and written eloquently but to honor them as well. What’s a man with articulation if without a word of honor? We can’t just drop them and go then pretend we didn’t said anything. You can fool a millions of your readers but to fool yourself is absurd.

Lucky are those who can see beyond other people’s feelings not just because they’re family, friends and colleagues but merely because they are human. Fortunate are those who can read yet clearly see what the other person is conveying and blessed are those who can accept their weaknesses and shortcomings regardless of their social stature. We all expect our children to be responsible even at the age of 7, so how much more for a 30 year old?

But i don’t have time to distinguish between the unfortunate and the INCOMPETENT…just be RESPONSIBLE!

awful wind...

simple pleasure

I often write for my own pleasure about the things that fascinates me. My mom said i'm very conscientious and i always took that as a compliment. Writing is my therapy from all the hurts and PAIN, from the disappointments down to my frustrations, to my JOY and success--my pen has been a constant companion. I always find a sense of satisfaction freeing my thoughts away as i scribble the emotions through my journals. Reading them back gives me a feeling of fulfillment of overcoming one obstacle after another.

I was and am content...that way.

Until i started to explore and spread my wings a little wider than i ought to be. Fancy the cool breeze only to be taken by an awful wind. That wind brought me to a different heights and promised me a tempting glory. Lost with my own parade i glide a different course...

I now stand between believing and betrayal, of trust and of love, of friendship and of foe, of simplicity and complex for the things that happened and didn't happened. I concluded, i can always soar high in my own pace and with my own ways. With my pen always hidden... from the awful wind's eye.

learn to be still...

I am but a flower in the wild
certainly know how to be alone.
I am a child of silence
and solace is my brother.

'till i wander around the desert
got lost in my own labyrinth.
sore my veins with its infusion
and made way to disillusion.

broken promises and failed relationships,
loving too much and trusting too soon.
all these fragmented my benchmark
for euphoria.

i'd close my eyes and dare not move
till the wind bring me back to silence.
i'd stay there and find my home
as i learn how... to be still .

last resort...

tower of strength

" Is praying like magic, mommy? " my eldest son asked me. I was a bit stunned i don't know if its because of the question or more of the answer. Some of us often look at prayer like some kind of a magic indeed, right? We tell God what we want and how we want it, when we want it and why we want it hoping He will do just exactly as He have been told through our prayers. Then we received it and when our prayers are granted we sometimes forget how to say "thank you". I myself is guilty of that.

Many of us pray as if God were a big aspirin pill, we come only when we are hurt. Prayer is not some sort of magic as well no matter how magical it seems to be. Major truth is most of us pray and remember to pray only when we are wounded, sad, in pain, in the dark, lost and in other negative feelings. Although the bible says it is good for in praying and talking to God will give us the peace that only Him can provide, it also helps that we remember Him, His goodness and love even when the sun is shining so bright for us.

I personally view praying as a way of conversing or really talking to God. Not just saying a memorized verse or prayers just so they were called "prayer". Praying is the time when I shed all my inhibitions away and lock my pretensions somewhere else. Bare and naked I open myself up and let every thoughts flow out of me. Let Him know what and how i feel regardless if its positive or not. God knows all our needs, our pains and our sufferings. But just like any other parent or confidant, He feels good when we approached Him and trust Him all our burdens. When we allow Him to be the Captain to run our ship rather than let God see how we run it and how we ruined it on our own. Then when our ship is about to sink-- that's when we call God for help or SOS.

Let us take time out to be silent so we can hear our hearts and our minds. Prayer also includes thanksgiving and praises not just asking for things to happen on our time like magic. Because what God wants for us is even better than any magical dreams we ever had. Prayer is not merely an occasional impulse to which we respond when we are in trouble; prayer is a life attitude so let's not make it our...LAST RESORT.

echoes of the heart...

8000 miles away

"The best of a book is not the thought which it contains, but the thought which it suggests; just as the charm of music dwells not in the tones...but in the echoes of our hearts..."



Everyone will agree on me if i say that long distance relationship is one if not the hardest kind of relationship to maintain. Most lovers often just let it go to stop the pain and complications the distance is causing them. Giving up on someone who's thousand miles away may not be that hard as it is from someone who' just around, regardless of how much we love the person. Maybe because we are too focus on the physicality of the relationship that we do not pay importance on the love itself? Or we can also be too tired to give love a fight ? It is indeed admiring to know that other people are willing to ache, fight and work out on their relationship no matter how far they are from each other.

Dwelling and sulking on the distance will definitely not help you ease the pain of missing him. Distance is a very frustrating fact of reality whenever you feel like touching, holding and feeling that person and the least you can do is grab a pillow and hold it too tight. Hoping and wishing you'd feel that familiar warmth. So instead, we try to stay away from that line of thinking just to keep our sanity.

We long and ache some more when the person we love is either sick or down or is feeling that same ugly feeling you do, and you feel ready to swim the ocean just to be near him. Climb on the mountains just to be half way to where he is. So instead, we close our eyes and dream. If wishes are true...we'd be holding each other in a blink of an eye.

Then we realize how hard it is and painful could be an understatement. But love is there shouting and striking both your very hearts, so you have to deal with it and deal with it good! So instead, we try to meditate on the other avenue of thought. We dwell more on the feelings, on love and of trust that LOYALTY and FAITHFULNESS are being pledged in the absence of physical nearness. With every beat of my heart I hear a faint sound, an echo of a heart beat with love all around, The message is simple as it calls out to YOU..."I will love you forever...our whole lives thru..."


We may be 8000 miles away from the one we love but hang on and keep loving, keep fighting, let the LOVE echoes from our hearts and be heard...8000 miles away.

heart of the matter...

It's so easy to give opinions and remarks on the things that we know nothing about and believe that it make ourselves look smarter. Somebody told me that it makes more sense to ask someone who's not involve to get a reasonable answer if you're looking for truth, but i beg to disagree. Some of them may give you fiction instead of facts. There's a vast difference between seeing and perceiving, believing and of feeling.

Some people can be really judgmental, they often measure somebody's worth base on your actions and norms of the society. If you don't follow those norms then there must be something wrong with you. If you fell in love to the real essence of the word to a person who is married you'll hear a lot of negative things from other people. They will even call you names no Webster Dictionary could ever define. If you weren't able to finish school, you'll be subject to different kinds of stories enough to win the Pulitzer prize award. If you have been convicted of a crime and served some time in jail they will stay away from you like as if you have leprosy or a horrible disease.

Its hard to explain and defend yourself to people who'd already made up their minds about you. They will only see the things they want to see and believe the ones they want to believe. There might be some people who's willing to see the other side of the coin and give you all the benefits of the doubt. But sometimes you miss that opportunity to clean your name because you're too afraid to try and to be rejected even more. You probably think its just a waste of time or you don't want things to get more complicated.

So, everyday you drag yourself to live your life and keep all the hurts inside while your silence is being taken as an evidence against you and this kind of stories are history that will keep repeating itself because you haven't deal with the heart of the matter. While there is truth in saying we are not accountable to anyone but God, it does help that we deal with the issue once the opportunity is given to us. People may or may not believe you, but a good name is always worth a try.

rush and the ride...

Yeah, RIDE the LIGHTNING... for its impact might shaken your stagnant mind and warm your cold heart to make you realize the painful reality you put me through... And once you've felt the sharp pain running through your veins, somehow you'll might not want to inflict that same kind of 'death in the air' unto anyone else... anymore. Love is a chaos, so embrace it, live it, breathe...and enjoy the RUSH and the RIDE.

face of love

What does love look like, does anybody know? Love may be one if not the simplest thing to write or say yet is a topic that is so hard to comprehend. Some people die without knowing what love is while others are still around...not knowing where love is.

I once traveled the road where love is a faceless man.Where heart beats as stable and breathing comes as easy. When words are unspoken, my ears strained to hear and when actions are unseen, i blindly made believe.

But I guess i cross the path where my heart grew tired and weary. Where summer is not as warm and spring no longer blooms. On a naked eye i long to see, the beauty of love that has never known. Will I ever see love...will i ever be loved?

A lot of pain and some rejections brushed my heart a couple of times. It only evokes a deeper yearning, of being wanted and to be needed. At a crossroad i stand, with my heart bare naked. Unclothed, without inhibitions i dared to walk with trust. He may not be the person i thought he is nor am i ready to be the answer to all of his needs. But I'm willing to give love another chance and perhaps myself another try.

He took my hand and lead me on to a road i once traveled--alone. I allowed him and let the feeling flow. As he tell me he how much he cares. This heart will trust, this heart will feel and love will conquer all obstacles. We know the road will not be easy but together we will make it. As he brushed his lips against mine, eyes are closed and heart ever trusting, i whispered "this is the night...i touch the face of LOVE".

the bond

Communication is the key to most every relationship if not all. And those who are not gifted with the close distance should try to communicate more with their loved ones to show them you care--really care. It's amazing how someone can say he/she loves you and have you feel it though he/she is oceans apart from you. Marriage should not be the end of expressing how you value the person you said " I DO " with but instead a beginning of a life long journey with them. Have you lost the mystery of a good founded relationship just because things are no longer simple as they used to be? When obstacles are not as easy as the ones you had when she was just your girlfriend or him your boyfriend? Is the LOVE need not be expressed just because there are so many things on your mind lately? Show the person how you feel and tell them words they should be hearing. words unspoken makes some hearts broken. Exercise the power to send and receive love though you're not near each other. No matter where you are and what you do send him or her the message across. Rather than waste the golden time hoping one day you did said "I LOVE YOU..."

Tagged !

Have you ever wanted something so bad in your life and worked so hard to get it only to be frustrated because no matter how much work you put into it, still nothing happens? Things doesn't always happen the way we want them nor the way we planned them to be, a fact that each of us must be willing and ready to accept. We can dream and set our goals, do our fair share of making them work and become real. But we can only do as much. There will be times when the rope must be pulled by someone else to reveal the finish product.

Working in a call center has taught me a lot of lessons with regards to being patient, hard work and persistence. I've always been fascinated by the blooming industry of Call Center and the media hype is making me wonder all the time on what its like to be an "agent"? So I decided to take the plunge and see the battlefield-- with my own eyes.

Well, why not? It pays good than a normal job here. I'm even earning twice the wage of my mom who's holding a supervisory position in a local health department. I have health insurance, life insurance, hazard pay and different kinds of performance bonus (thanks to those people who signed up with me,hehe!), gets to work in a nice, air conditioned, posh office cubicle that i made to look like HOME by bringing in family pictures to remind me that i still have a normal life after the 9 hours whirlwind working atmosphere. Mirrors to remind myself not to frown too much when its been 2 hours without a sale. Book, when I'm privileged and blessed enough not to have a call on my line for a good 15 minutes. Pillow to hug and play its edges, design and pattern while customer on the other line is yelling at me for a bad service that can be technical issues. Last but not the least, is my ever reliable blanket to wrap myself around when i feel cold, threatened by too much non sale calls, its something i can just pull over my head or cover the PC with whenever I feel a deep, long, broad explanation and undivided attention is being required of me to catch the sale i desperately need. You think its an easy job? Think twice! We will not be given much and compensated that much either if the load of the job is close to being a comfortable task to do. Remember a passage from the scriptures "to whom much is given, much is expected?" oh boy! everyday I can see that loud and clear.

But no work can be a dream one that's why we are being paid by doing it. It can be something we might not like to do if given the choice. So i just try to find something good about being a call center agent. Be thankful that i have a job to support me and my family. Find a way to enjoy every call and conversation by the person on the other line who sounded so much like George Clooney though half of the time he's just cursing me and giving me loads of "F" words to last me 8 jobs! Remind myself that I once called my internet provider just to let them know how much their service sucks! So a little bit of understanding and patience are also needed to survive this battle. Hard work to make your eyes and mind open by 1 a.m. (while most of the people are snoring the night away) and keep them open until your shift ends. Perseverance to hit your goals and target instead of your supervisor hitting you with insulting remarks to get that precious sale you both longing for and desire. And just when you thought you have that "golden sale" sitting on the palm of your hand after extracting payment informations will the customer's mobile phone went down...down and gone along with your dream sauna massage you're thinking of getting with your commission on that call. After painting the most beautiful picture of the product, talk to him for a couple of hours until you get the sweet "YES" only to find out that he left his credit card somewhere or the call will drop from some technical problems! You think its a bad day? Wait until you find out you need to render overtime because one of your team mate is absent just on the same day your child will be performing on a school program.

I don't like the job at all...but its not a job to me. Its a place where i get to meet my friends who enjoy complaining as much as I do, free flowing coffee until you break down, see how a person smile and talk while reading her payslip, new friends we meet everyday in those calls in the absence of a physical picture. Some are irate while others can be too sweet and nice enough for me to consider a passage in US.

Being a call center agent have its own pressures and stress along with any other kind of jobs. Here we eat and chew them but try not to digest it and let it inside. Its a fast-paced, fun and rewarding place to earn money. If you know how to play your cards. When you've learn to discern and accept what are the things or the calls that can be a sale or non sale will you know your limits. The product may be perfect, price reasonable and you are the company's Top Agent, but if the customer is not qualified nor willing to do his share for some unknown, unimaginable reasons...there's nothing else that you can do. Just like in life.

We dream, work hard for it, if its not meant to be then it will never be yours. Let go and keep moving. As a call center agent you need to learn when is the time to push to when is the time to really let go and just proceed to your next call, make the closing spiel and thank the customer. When all of your efforts fall short and everything else fails, just TAG it! "customer hang up, NO SALE!"

salt and wounds

Life no matter how you look at it whether as a journey or a battle will always give you adversity, trials and obstacles. Even the Lord Himself tells us that life will never be easy and this trials we are all facing will mold us into a person of strength and of character, wherein the process can be truly painful. No great warrior went home from a battle without any bruises and even wounds. Some even died on the mission or killed in action while others are wounded for life. Each of us have our own battles that will need some compassion from any of us.

"At some point in our life we get to a crossroad that will require us to choose which path to take. Sometimes we choose the one that seems easy to us only to find out that its a sharp turn you made. You can look back but you can never turn back. You may wonder what if you took the other road but you can never live on it. So, you play with the cards that you have and travel the road that you chose. It was a dirt road, ugly, steep and uneven. But what the heck?! Its your choice, so you proudly walk to it albeit the cuts and wounds you get. You fell, the pain knocked you off, cuts you even more enough to open your heart out, you crawled until you get to stand up again, limping in pain you started to walk some more.
Along the road you get to meet a black butterfly just when you're about to pass out from all the blood you've lost, feeling dizzy from the hurts and your pain you made an effort to hear what that butterfly was saying. Only to knock you off deeper to your grave itself. Her wings slapped your face left and right, then another left and right until you can no longer hold your neck straight. Spit on you a poisonous liquid that painfully runs through the rest of your remaining blood, slowly breaking you down into pieces. Is it painful? How does it feel? What does it taste? Is it sour? Bitter? Or does the pain numbs all of your senses? Do you feel it? Or can you still feel it? When the salt spread generously in all of your open wounds, does it feel anything?
You shut your eyes too tight and savour the pain. Intensely tearing your soul apart, then you breathe-- slowly...and you keep on breathing until you feel you're still alive! You open your eyes once more and seen the black butterfly has gone. Left you with nothing...but a broken spirit."

We never know what battles each of us are facing? What kind of road the other one traveled? How did he get all his wounds, bruises and the other questions that the naked eye cannot see nor answer. Words can heal or break a person even more. It can heal or it can kill. Words spoken out of love and compassion can bring a person up no matter how dead he seems to be.
We are all part of one body and should remain as one body. None of us are enemy of the other but a comrade who should fight for one another.
We may not have all the money or material things that can make another person live comfortably, but we have hearts to love enormously and kind words to soothe every wounds of each other's soul. Wounds no matter how small they are is already painful as it is. Adding salt to an already open wounds is an abnormal thing to do, unless you consider yourself barbaric.
You too may travel the wrong road, may get cut, bruised and wounded. Walk on and keep walking, when you pass on a black butterfly...smile and say "my wounds would be just fine, thanks for the salt but its the sugar i need."

connections...

"Blood is thicker than water", an old cliche na masyado ng gasgas so to speak but will always hold true among every family. A few days ago I posted on public what to me can be considered a very private journal entry. It was written few years back for my father. For some reason, I just felt like posting it and so I did without giving it much thought. I bare my heart and soul in that piece and it did evoked different comments and views from friends and loved ones alike. All of them were taken in good spirit, hehe!

My dad has been an OFW for as long as I can remember. When I was young and I think of him, all I can see is a plane taking off or the jewelries I will be receiving in a few more months. Everything was superficial back then. Suki na sya ng mga airlines bound to Saudi Arabia. That was the second country i remember i was able to write when i was in Kinder after learning to write Philippines syempre. Then I grew up with my Lola and Lolo who think the world of me (spoiled brat? nah! I'm not).

Needless to say being an OFW is never and i guess will NEVER be an easy job, either for those who will be working overseas and to the families they will be leaving behind. Our local church pastor is even vocal in saying those jobs post a big threat on our family as a unit. You never see your children grow and so you end up not knowing them at all, some marital responsibility will be overlooked and so the risk on being cheated is on and will highly be there, the physical and emotional distance he said will test every part of the family and if you're not strong enough...you might lose it. "Is it worth it?" I once asked my dad then he would say "May choice ba tayo?" and I'd fell silent. Oo nga naman, our country is rich with talented and brilliant people but its the resources or the opportunity of a good job that we are lacking. As a result some people pack their things and with eyes half closed they go to a different land and seek a "greener pasture" like what my dad did. Not because he wanted to but more because he NEEDED to. On our end naman we tried to have our presence felt by him. Snail mail pa lang ang uso noon and of course a few calls every once in a while. Maybe that developed my love for writing, and the burning desire for PLDT to install a phone in our house has influenced me too in a way, so ngayon Call Center agent ako, haha!

Physical distance from your family especially your kids can be a good faith-testing-exercise. Your strength and patience being developed whenever there's a bad news about the country lalo na pag sa pamilya, nakaka loka talaga! But like what dad once said "we don't have much choice daughter". Because there are people who rely and depend on us and we love them too much to let them down. So the new label for OFW "Bagong Bayani" fits them well. Hopefully more than just the label there will also be an added benefits for the unsung heroes.

My dad was not an exclusion in those pain and so am I being his child. His constantly being away and the diminishing communication with him made the love somehow withered and insecurity slowly crawled in. Communication just like in any relationship be it short, medium or long distance is very important like water to plants, oxygen to humans, fertilizer to soil, we just can't live without it. Buti nga ngayon there are so many ways to communicate, there's internet that allows you to even see the person on your screen, cellphones to call and TEXT to the point that our thumb gets stiff, snail mail of course (i find it sweeter pa nga to receive one), there are so many medium now to communicate to somehow lessen the pain of missing one another.

Two days after posting that painful journal entry out of the chest i received a call from my stepmom, telling me my dad is in the hospital and in not so good of a condition. Without doubts and hesitation i went to see him. He look pleased in seeing me though he was in ICU, he opened his eyes three times to look and smiled at me. I stayed with him everyday at the hospital and realized how fragile LIFE is. I could have lost him without telling him i love him. Well, that will be water under the bridge now.

I wonder why did i post that journal? Is it because I've been thinking about my dad lately and pains me to realize how did we end up to? Or is it because he's been thinking about me too or could it be because he was in the hospital at that time? And just what a coincidence of after posting it we finally have both the courage to face the ugly truth that we lost each other somewhere along the tracks? But that's okay, we learn from our mistakes. No matter how painful it is its still a lesson well learned.

"Relationships, not achievements or the acquisition of things, are what matters most in life". In my experience, I allowed too much pain and insecurity along with self pity to see beyond my father's motives in working abroad. It was hard for me but must be hell for him too! In my deepest understanding of what a FAMILY is, i came to realize that no matter what you've been through, where you've been at and how different you seem to be, CONNECTION will always be there in different forms and different meanings. For almost every bad fall or bad things that happens to us our FAMILY will always be the last to leave us, after all as an old cliche says "Blood is thicker than water".

my thanksgiving

there was once a little girl, bruised by the worlds injustice and pain. she would often dream and wonder how it was to be on the other side of the road? at her tender age she get to realize the ugly truth that the world is not a fairy tale to live in. but she kept her faith and continue to hope for something good.

the situations presented to that little girl has made her 10 times older than her age, the youth in her cannot stop her from complaining every time she get wounded. she felt alone, helpless and deserted. but through the sad moments of her struggling life she get to know that FAMILIAR VOICE unheard by many. It soothed her wounds with loving words and reassuring promises, He would tell her, "do not fear my sweet child for I will never leave you".

She was a little girl and she believed...

the road the little girl traveled was never easy nor even. often times the pain of the experiences would shake her but the hands of that FAMILIAR VOICE would steady and keep her focus on the path she needs to take. "I am here my child, do not be frightened", He would say.

though the wind gets tough and wolves are always at the door the soothing promises and love of that FAMILIAR VOICE will remind the little girl to be still and keep the faith. she may not be the best warrior, but she get to pass that faith testing road by the grace and love of that FAMILIAR VOICE.

...i continue to take my journey with faith and new hope each day that the LORD has been giving me. at the moment i have also learned to see the beauty and value of LIFE, now that HE allowed me to see the purpose of my existence. i am not traveling my journey alone...and i never was. i have always had a great HANDS who holds me, comfort me, love me and HEALS me...with the VOICE that still me when i am shaken and WORDS that strengthen and comforts me.

i am still a sinner and i know that the road up there to get where HE is, is as ugly and hard as i can remember. but i will never FEAR...in my heart of hearts i know that the FAMILIAR VOICE will never leave me. never before...never will be...

i have grown up from that little girl that i was...

but i still BELIEVE...

my LORD...this is my THANKSGIVING.

from your little girl,
"cRiZel"

i am my own self

Have you ever been in love with a person who just think of you as a friend? When he keeps on hurting you and still you painfully, blindly, stupidly take each blow like as if its just the "first time"? I sometimes think I've moved on but his presence bluntly tells me i haven't made half a step yet to be considered moving.

Is it really wise to allow your self to fall for your best friend and risk losing him on the process? Should i take the risk of putting a good friendship on the line as a collateral to something that MAY or MAY NOT work?

I DID...

I loved, for I am real and human. I say I LOVE YOU because i mean it and can feel every letter of the words beating from the core of my heart. Not just a passing fancy of wanting to say it because you feel that you need to say it.

We love in different ways and with different intentions. But I'd rather be hated for something that I am than be loved for something I am not. Getting into a relationship just because you want to help and change things for her/him is never a good foundation and reason to be together. We can't change someone to be that "someone" we want them to be nor can we change the course of the wind and change things for them. Acceptance and loving beyond the imperfections are the measures of true love. Others can be a good feeling too but only for a fleeting moment...and everything else will be just a wasted time...

love me...hate me...i am my own self.

Masquerade Ball

Everybody is masked, pretending to be somebody they're not. They are that "somebody" they wanted to be, for who or for what we will never know. Who are they? I can't hardly tell. Which one is real from which one is a facade? Seems like they're just as same.

My grandmother once told me that its not so bad to wear a mask, it's nice she said to once in a while live with your fantasies and learn a lesson from living in there. But I think I tried to live in a world too complex for me and was stunned with the truth that no matter how hard you try REALITY will always snap you back into your own world.

People wear those mask for different reasons in different occasions. Others are putting on a hard front to cover their weakness and build their defenses on. Some people finds a soft one more effective in hiding the strong personality they got. Believing that soft and weak person are rather easy to gain love and affection. But whatever the reason is and no matter how good the intentions are you will always need to check that you still have a grasp with your own reality. Go to dreamland baby, but keep your sanity to know your way home.

Dreams even nightmares have their own endings just like any other story is. Wear that mask its okay dear, but the most important thing is knowing the REAL person in you...behind the MASK. As for me, I will allow others to see, accept and love me for the real me. So if ever they do not approve of what their eyes can see, I can always say that's all I got and everything I am.

So take a bow sweetie...for the masquerade ball has just ended.

on being a child of God

I had the privileged of seeing the world in its true colors, less the fancy paint of a fairy tale land. To the people I've met and talked to the world may not be a PARADISE. But the hope for a happy ending has never ended.

There was a mission in my local church to visit a poor area for feeding, counseling and sharing the word of God. It has been a very enlightening experience for me and i can boldly say that the experience did me good and helped me a lot more than i was to them. The ugly truth about poverty, pain from almost every aspect and hunger for food and for the Word of God were very evident. The injustice and disrespect for this people have made them feel the hole and emptiness from this world. Yet the faith to God and His promises are what keeping them fighting to survive this so called LIFE.

I wonder how much the corrupt officials are earning from our hard earned money to pay our taxes and yet cannot do anything to supply enough food for its people? No decent homes to shelter them with when they feel cold during the rainy days. Not even a clean water for them to forget their hunger and no education for the children to build their future on. When the service men who promised to protect the people and the land are the same people who are stepping on their rights just because they don't have the money. When did respect for humans has been dependent by how much money you have or the place where you live or the educational background you have? Being poor on material things has never and should never be a CRIME! At the end of our journey it's not how much we've attained in terms of superficial and material things that will determine our place in HIS throne, but our hearts.

We are all children of God regardless of our race, color, gender, social status and achievements in life. We all came and will all end on that same loving hands. That is why we are called brothers and sisters.

Kindness toward others and compassion for them are keys in making our ties with this world much stronger. Let's start with being kind to our family, friends and then we can extend it to the ones outside our comfort box. I have learned to thank God for all the blessings that He have unselfishly given to me, knowing in myself that I don't deserve them. In my way, I hope that I can also share that blessing and kindness that I have been given to the others...to fill in that HOLE in this world.

the child in me

Being off from work for a couple of weeks certainly have its positive and negative sides. Positive because I was able to rest and have more time with the people i love, get to read a lot, surf and browse the net for nothing in particular. Well i came across another social network site which i can't say if its been positive or not for me. I was able to meet some friends there whom I'm still thinking if they are real or not? Negative side of being a bum for a while is the discomfort of your brains working even if you already feel like resting. I get to meditate and think a lot on almost every aspect of the past 31 years in this journey of life. One of the painful thought aside from my partner is another man---my dad.

My grandmother used to tell me that I am very much like my dad so that's probably why we get to clash a lot! He used to be very loving and very supportive in whatever I do. Encouraged me in writing, sports and school. I've never known anyone who can trust and believe in me aside from my hero, my dad. He was my silent drive to be the best that I can be, my confidant and my worst critic. I thought everything was fine until another woman ruined everything me and my dad worked hard for, for the last 31 years of my existence. I can say Ive always been "daddy's little girl". But I've long accepted the fact that he also needs to be happy, he have a life too and he needs someone to love him in a way that I can't. He is a man and certainly have needs too. But somewhere along the way i guess the chain I thought was strongly supporting us was cut lose, by what or by whom...that I didn't know.

I continued my journey away from him, it was hard at first but i did it. It's been a while since I last saw him and talked to him "man to man" as he often call it. He's far different from the man I thought he was when I was a child. He seem tired and old---restless. He changed a lot, but maybe not that much. The same ego is still very much in there. He said he doesn't want to talk to me because he has nothing material to give me, which to me is such a blow! Obviously...he didn't know me at all.

But then, I am the type of person who always try to give a logical meaning to everything so I can understand them more. I figured maybe dad doesn't mean half of the words he told me. He doesn't mean to hurt me, why would he? I am his daughter...his blood and flesh. Maybe he's scared because he feels alone, maybe he thinks that I don't love him anymore, maybe...it's the child in him longing for love and sense of security from a daughter like me. I myself is a child looking for that kind of love and security. There are times that I want to kiss him, hug him and joke around with him like we used to . But before is like a lifetime ago...he's too far.

Looking back it pains me to realize where we are at right now. Is it his pride or mine because he abandoned me? Is it his childishness for refusing to see me first and would rather wait for me, or is it mine? I've always been told that I am a smart egg and headstrong, independent and confident. That i am a great warrior in life cause I have an 80 year old brain in a 31 year old body---maybe I'm not...I get bruised still, hurt and silently weep for all my pains and loses. They expected too much from me that they never saw, the child in me.

I still need someone to guide me, encourage me and lead me to the right path. My dad was good in that and I don't know when will we ever settle our differences. I hope the right time and opportunity will be given to us. I hope that it will never be too late. Until then, i will just have to pray for him to see that I am still very much...daddy's little girl.
I miss you dad...

Mirrors have two faces...

So there it was, believing that something good is bound to happen. You take on the bait and put down your shield only to find out that danger is just 'round the corner. You thought you were smart, but maybe not that smart little girl. Did you saw it? Read the right signs? Or are you reading that one-faced person in the mirror? Its when you try to see the beautiful things that you only allow your eyes to see and feel those sweetness that you made yourself to believe was there.

disillusioned...is what it is Angel.

You refused to take that mirrors have two faces. You only look at the reflection that you wanted to see and never wonder if those are real. Because you continue to hope that he is the image you are painfully dreaming for so long. You take in everything he feeds your imagination only to be left hanging on the air. Then you allow the hurt, disappointments and frustrations run through your veins-- that you can breathe them out only to inhale it back some more...

but that's okay...

You'll get over it princess...You might be hurting but it wont cripple you for long...You might be in pain but it wont last forever. You needed someone who will love you and treat you special, you thought it was him---but then you are wrong, so what?! No harm in trying only lessons learned Angel. That MIRRORS indeed...have TWO FACES.

Walk Away...

How can we say that love is real or when it's not ? how can we tell if its love and not just lust? In a world where love have different faces, different meanings, different facades it will be so hard to tell. But will you really be happy in a relationship when you know that there is someone who is hurting every time you smile? That someone is hurting just the moment your heart burst with happiness? Is it really happiness that you will feel whenever the ray of truth reveals itself? No, no my dear...you can never claim the title of being happy with the person you love when you can't barely keep him.

Love is sweet as it feeds your inner fantasies, as it nourish the woman in you and you know you can never turn back. And the pain of letting go is almost as painful as dying itself. But there's also truth in saying that pain will not remain forever. The thought and memories may linger but the hurt or pain itself will reach its natural death.

I know that it will take a lot of courage to turn your back to something you find so right and beautiful my friend. But then devil have lots of faces. I know that you'll be able to get out of the darkness that you're in right now. Be strong and firm. We stumble every once in a while, but nobody says that you can't stand up again. Every time we fall is a good chance and opportunity of proving what we are made of.

There might be a dark heavy clouds over your head. But later on, maybe tomorrow will be a lot better. When the first ray of sunlight appears from the sky, it will light up your whole day ahead and make you feel better. Letting go is so hard to do and so is with moving on. When you've invested a lot in terms of emotions and when you already built a future together.

But you need to get it back whatever that he's taken from you...and if that love is real, strong and meant to be it will always find it's way home. So go ahead and cry for a while, for all you've lost and gained. Then start putting a foot forward...one step at a time, until you can gradually--finally...walk away.

Life is a battle...

LIFE indeed is a battle. You have to think, analyze the situation and plan your moves. Things may not always go our way or as we planned it but what's important is that you stay focus and determined to survive and keep your self alive!

There will be decisions to make. Some are simple others are complicated. In life we must also learn to take the risk, that's what life or battle is all about anyway. Either we do what we've been told and have the easy way...or we stand with what we believe in and risk losing something.

Problems, struggles and failures should never be a hindrance to success. For this things brings out and develop not only strength but CHARACTER as well! As they say " the stronger the wind,the tougher are the trees ".
We all have our own battles in life. But whether we fought our way to victory or defeat, let's be sure that we've given dear LIFE...a good fight!