the lamp...

Its not everyday that I can reconnect myself into the past. I sometimes think I'm too busy to walk back on that avenue, too busy? too afraid? too tired? I thought that i've gotten way past that thunderstorm, but in the faded glow of the night's light returns all of my fears...all of my hurts. Then i know its not over yet.

Its never been easy to be a secretive one but I figured its a lot better than being on a complicated one, isn't it? Why do I have this tendency to hide and let the tide take things in stride-- on my expense? Because I hate complications-- afraid of making it difficult and worse. I've never been an attention grabber as far as my memory can recall, so I certainly don't want to be put on that spotlight where people can dissect everything in me and make their every conclusion look scientific and real. Should i put my broken heart on the line along with my damaged self esteem? or stay calm and bleed inside knowing that SOMEONE up there never sleeps?

Somebody told me I'm smart and even strong, am I? She said she's proud that I'm happy and fulfilled, could I ever be? I don't think that I'm half as smart as I was when I was a toddler and strong can be synonymous to the word pretending. I'm happy yes I am! because I chose to be that way. Fulfilled because I'm still breathing and being given the chance to continue doing just like that-- breathe.

More than that I owe it to my Savior that I was able to go this far and have this much in life. The pain, bruises and lessons I was trained to endure along with all my joys, happiness and success that I enjoyed whole heartedly... all of it! is what makes me the person I am today. Perfection is way too much to describe me nor my life and challenges have become a regular thing to me. I may not be completely healed--yet, but i know I'm getting there. In the faded glow of the night's light... in the light cast by the lamp... I'd be able to look back and say " its finally over " as i get way past-- the twilight of my journey.

cry me a river

tears has always been associated with extreme emotions, whether of happiness or of pain. the eyes can’t hold them back anymore when words are never enough to express that certain feeling. more often we tend to hide it…look away so others wont see the pain that goes along with our unshed tears. then we thought we have fooled the world by that magnificent smile we tried so hard to paste on that cold face of ours, bloodless…lifeless. one look, a peek from the window of our souls or even just one word–one word, is enough to betray that darn pride!

“I AM HAPPY, really happy”, said the woman behind me. I looked at her and i knew it was just a line. A line that always comes from the unhappy ones. Fool me alright but to fool yourself is absurd! I may be deaf but never blind (well at least on that matter). “See i’m no longer crying? I am so much over him!”, she continued and I almost choke all the food i somehow managed to eat for the past 10 years of knowing her.

there’s nothing wrong with being sad every once in a while. it doesn’t makes us less of a person when we cry and admit even to ourselves that we are hurt and is still hurting. hiding the tears will not eliminate the pain and the smiles will never heal the wounds. remember, a heavy clouds will always find a way to pour its rain. besides, its not really the tears that measure the pain…sometimes, its the smile we fake.

my call...

Racism was something i thought was over years ago even before a black became the President of the world’s powerful country, but i guess i was half sleeping to consider that “a thing of the past.” Usually, those topics does not successfully aggravates me for i am a believer of democracy and freedom of speech. But there will be times when you feel sick swallowing such a bitter pill.

A week ago I read a post from a friend spitting fire with a racist writer in one of her journals. I even thought it was cool and very well said or written. Strong and direct. Then she emailed me a site about another writer discriminating the Call Center Agents this time and questioning the reason why jobs are being moved in Manila (in particular) when we can’t hardly speak good English (according to that air head). To make the plot thicker, few days back I’ve spoken to another member of the “Asian Are Lower Than Us” club, blaming me for the global financial crisis and the unending issue of unemployment rate.

So here goes my not so patient hands:

1. Filipinos are everywhere and anywhere in the world. Our services are sought after because of our passion to our jobs, skills and dedication.

2. Companies would rather spend a dollar getting a Filipino to work with them overseas because profit is GUARANTEED than to spend a penny getting a local who’s INCOMPETENT.

3. If you believe that Filipinos are stupid and don’t deserve the job, then i will boldly say that your BUSINESSMAN are bunch of morons entrusting their fortunes all for nothing. Now tell me who’s dumber?

4. People have different accents just in case you came from Mars white skunk! Yours may sound just as someone who’s constipated but that makes you and your people unique and so are we as Filipinos.

5. Understanding and hearing are two entirely different things just in case you never heard of “Dictionary “. While Telecommunications has improved a great deal over the centuries, there’s still a so called technical problems or bad connection that’s making us hard to hear the other person on the line.

Bear in mind that a person who’s stress and angry can have an oversight on some things. This frustrations are being carried over through our body language and even voice. Sometimes what seems to be a major problem of yours, say on your computer?, is actually something so simple as inhaling and exhaling. You call people who’s half the world away to question their technical skills and mocked them with their accent, then yell, curse and discriminate them to the best of your knowledge and ability, only to find out that you failed to plug your PC (just as the same as you failed to plug your brain perhaps). No computer not even the brand new ones will work without electric power just so you know.

At the end of the day, I will still stand before my flag and my people with my head up. I guess i’d rather go with a bad accent… than a BRAIN FART!

* Purposely withheld the site of that racist skunk in this post to stop any traffic on her DUMP SITE.

american dream...

american dream...

hearing that foreign voice every night, imagining the prominent streets, avenue and roads that leads to places that are starting to be familiar, I can picture the face behind those distinct accent smiling or yelling on the other line. I sometimes wonder if i'm still here where i thought i am or am i along with that foreign voice, living a US life.

I already give up my American Dream or so i thought i did in exchange for the gift of having my own family. Until just recently when the opportunity came knocking on my door--second time around. is it hope i'm feeling? then why hope for something that you don't want? will i make it this time? or am i heading towards another avenue of disappointment? i wouldn't know, not until i take the first step.

part of me wants to pursue that old American Dream and embrace the fate and opportunities that will be given to me. while the other half is convinced that i should stay put to where i am and be content with having my kids and a stable job. i always believed that life itself is a risk. a risk that each of us will take one way or another. the greatest warrior in the history of battle was never afraid to take them, as that leads to the glory of their success.

so here i am gradually taking each day, one step at a time. until my journey lead this feet... to where its fated to be.