the child in me

Being off from work for a couple of weeks certainly have its positive and negative sides. Positive because I was able to rest and have more time with the people i love, get to read a lot, surf and browse the net for nothing in particular. Well i came across another social network site which i can't say if its been positive or not for me. I was able to meet some friends there whom I'm still thinking if they are real or not? Negative side of being a bum for a while is the discomfort of your brains working even if you already feel like resting. I get to meditate and think a lot on almost every aspect of the past 31 years in this journey of life. One of the painful thought aside from my partner is another man---my dad.

My grandmother used to tell me that I am very much like my dad so that's probably why we get to clash a lot! He used to be very loving and very supportive in whatever I do. Encouraged me in writing, sports and school. I've never known anyone who can trust and believe in me aside from my hero, my dad. He was my silent drive to be the best that I can be, my confidant and my worst critic. I thought everything was fine until another woman ruined everything me and my dad worked hard for, for the last 31 years of my existence. I can say Ive always been "daddy's little girl". But I've long accepted the fact that he also needs to be happy, he have a life too and he needs someone to love him in a way that I can't. He is a man and certainly have needs too. But somewhere along the way i guess the chain I thought was strongly supporting us was cut lose, by what or by whom...that I didn't know.

I continued my journey away from him, it was hard at first but i did it. It's been a while since I last saw him and talked to him "man to man" as he often call it. He's far different from the man I thought he was when I was a child. He seem tired and old---restless. He changed a lot, but maybe not that much. The same ego is still very much in there. He said he doesn't want to talk to me because he has nothing material to give me, which to me is such a blow! Obviously...he didn't know me at all.

But then, I am the type of person who always try to give a logical meaning to everything so I can understand them more. I figured maybe dad doesn't mean half of the words he told me. He doesn't mean to hurt me, why would he? I am his daughter...his blood and flesh. Maybe he's scared because he feels alone, maybe he thinks that I don't love him anymore, maybe...it's the child in him longing for love and sense of security from a daughter like me. I myself is a child looking for that kind of love and security. There are times that I want to kiss him, hug him and joke around with him like we used to . But before is like a lifetime ago...he's too far.

Looking back it pains me to realize where we are at right now. Is it his pride or mine because he abandoned me? Is it his childishness for refusing to see me first and would rather wait for me, or is it mine? I've always been told that I am a smart egg and headstrong, independent and confident. That i am a great warrior in life cause I have an 80 year old brain in a 31 year old body---maybe I'm not...I get bruised still, hurt and silently weep for all my pains and loses. They expected too much from me that they never saw, the child in me.

I still need someone to guide me, encourage me and lead me to the right path. My dad was good in that and I don't know when will we ever settle our differences. I hope the right time and opportunity will be given to us. I hope that it will never be too late. Until then, i will just have to pray for him to see that I am still very much...daddy's little girl.
I miss you dad...