connections...

(thank you soulmate for making this cover article possible for me)

"Blood is thicker than water", an old cliche na masyado ng gasgas so to speak but will always hold true among every family. A few days ago i posted on public what to me can be considered a very private journal entry. It was written few years back for my father. For some reason, I just felt like posting it and so i did without giving it much thought. I bare my heart and soul in that piece and it did evoked different comments and views from friends and loved ones alike. All of them were taken in good spirit, hehe!

My dad has been an OFW for as long as I can remember. When I was young and I think of him, all i can see is a plane taking off or the jewelries I will be receiving in a few more months. Everything was superficial back then. Suki na sya ng mga airlines bound to Saudi Arabia. That was the second country i remember i was able to write when i was in Kinder after learning to write Philippines syempre. Then I grew up with my Lola and Lolo who think the world of me (spoiled brat? nah! I'm not).

Needless to say being an OFW is never and i guess will NEVER be an easy job, either for those who will be working overseas and to the families they will be leaving behind. Our local church pastor is even vocal in saying those jobs post a big threat on our family as a unit. You never see your children grow and so you end up not knowing them at all, some marital responsibility will be overlooked and so the risk of being cheated is on and will highly be there, the physical and emotional distance he said will test every part of the family and if you're not strong enough...you might lose it. "Is it worth it?" I once asked my dad then he would say "May choice ba tayo?" and I'd fell silent. Oo nga naman, our country is rich with talented and brilliant people but its the resources or the opportunity of a good job that we are lacking. As a result some people pack their things and with eyes half closed they go to a different land and seek a "greener pasture" like what my dad did. Not because he wanted to but more because he NEEDED to. On our end naman we tried to have our presence felt by him. Snail mail pa lang ang uso noon and of course a few calls every once in a while. Maybe that developed my love for writing, and the burning desire for PLDT to install a phone in our house has influenced me too in a way, so ngayon Call Center agent ako, haha!

Physical distance from your family especially your kids can be a good faith-testing-exercise. Your strength and patience being developed whenever there's a bad news about the country lalo na pag sa pamilya, nakaka loka talaga! But like what dad once said "we don't have much choice daughter". Because there are people who rely and depend on us and we love them too much to let them down. So the new label for OFW "Bagong Bayani" fits them well. Hopefully more than just the label there will also be an added benefits for the unsung heroes.

My dad was not an exclusion in those pain and so am I being his child. His constantly being away and the diminishing communication with him made the love somehow withered and insecurity slowly crawled in. Communication just like in any relationship be it short, medium or long distance is very important like water to plants, oxygen to humans, fertilizer to soil, we just can't live without it. Buti nga ngayon there are so many ways to communicate, there's internet that allows you to even see the person on your screen, cellphones to call and TEXT to the point that our thumb gets stiff, snail mail of course (i find it sweeter pa nga to receive one), there are so many medium now to communicate to somehow lessen the pain of missing one another.

Two days after posting that painful journal entry out of the chest i received a call from my stepmom, telling me my dad is in the hospital and in not so good of a condition. Without doubts and hesitation i went to see him. He look pleased in seeing me though he was in ICU, he opened his eyes three times to look and smiled at me. I stayed with him everyday at the hospital and realized how fragile LIFE is. I could have lost him without telling him i love him. Well, that will be water under the bridge now.

I wonder why did i post that journal? Is it because I've been thinking about my dad lately and pains me to realize how did we end up to? Or is it because he's been thinking about me too or could it be because he was in the hospital at that time? And just what a coincidence of after posting it we finally have both the courage to face the ugly truth that we lost each other somewhere along the tracks? But that's okay, we learn from our mistakes. No matter how painful it is its still a lesson well learned.

"Relationships, not achievements or the acquisition of things, are what matters most in life". In my experience, I allowed too much pain and insecurity along with self pity to see beyond my father's motives in working abroad. It was hard for me but must be hell for him too! In my deepest understanding of what a FAMILY is, i came to realize that no matter what you've been through, where you've been at and how different you seem to be, CONNECTION will always be there in different forms and different meanings. For almost every bad fall or bad things that happens to us our FAMILY will always be the last to leave us, after all as an old cliche says "Blood is thicker than water".


*Published in TF Newsmagazine as September 2008 cover issue.

dusk till dawn...

When it rains it pours but if you look very closely you will always see a silver lining. Life is not at all perfect for perfection just like beauty is in the eye of the beholder. What's perfect to me may be insanely awful for the others and vice versa. But through all Life's inevitable change and undying hardships-- comes the grace to overcome them all.

They say that true friends and real people can be seen during the twilight of your life. When you're on your way down to the growing darkness and hope is what all you've got. You become sensitive and aware of all the things and events that's going on around you. You become more appreciative of even those little kindness people are showing you, like giving up a seat for you, adding extra on the food you're buying, friends paying the cab for you and stuff like that can really make your heart feel light. Then you meditate yourself on all the positive thoughts and try to stay away from the ones that will only doom you to more insecurities and further pain. So, you grope, struggle for that "silver lining" and strain your eyes from seeing what lies ahead...

Life is good to those who are good to life itself. The ones who believe that obstacles and trials are there to keep you strong. People who have faith to know that there will be a rainbow after each storm. Those who have endured the test and still managed to walk despite their every fall.

I had my share of twilight and will always have another. But the day won't start and end with darkness. I am at the dawn, where sunrise is just but a few blinks away. So, I'll just sit right here and camp for a while... tired from the journey-- but not giving up.

her song...

When did time has ever been so right nor the place has ever been perfect? FATE, has its own paths and patterns unknown to any soul. Sometimes it play tricks on us not even the brightest player could ever play...nor could ever win.

Your heartaches comes not from loving less or falling out of it . Instead the heart bleeds more from walking away with someone who holds your heart. Its the courage to play the game the fairest way you could. When the future is as empty as a cloudless sky and the promise is as vague as a fog in the air. It takes a brave heart to let go of someone you love knowing that his happiness and dreams lies not with you. The tears will be bitter and painfully flow but the love has earned its spot... deep-- in your core of heart.

trick or treat...

Trick or treat is not a very typical sight in Filipino community, some malls, exclusive village or subdivision may have been practicing it but not everyone does. We are privileged enough though to have them in our village and every year me and my kids keep on missing them since we need to go to the city (Manila) so I could visit my loved ones who departed from Avenue of Life and are busy walking the street of gold. But this year we decided to go and participate the Halloween Parade.

It was a chaos, unorganized event to a point of being on a stampede and the bad weather is not helping any. I guess we have been treated and tricked afterwards, haha! It was a beautiful sight at the beginning watching Casper walking along with Batman while a Witch was having a girl chat with a Fairy but the moment candies were given i found myself in a parade of disaster. At one time, there was a fourth grader who took a bag of candies from my son's Halloween loot bag just when he was about to open it to receive another candy from a good soul. That explains why he was losing goodies instead of gaining them, because a "real ghost" was on the site! So, I told my kids just to stay away from them.

I've been to a point of taking them home when older kids started to stepped on the younger ones with their umbrellas almost poking the lil one's eyes just so they can get candies. I told myself that if i just bought my kids candies and goodies instead of paying the registration fee then i don't have to put myself on a risk of heart attack! Darn people! You don't make a career trying to get as much candies on a trick or treat you know! So long at last the parade was over and the dinner party isn't much fun at all. Hamburglar (Mc Donald's mascot) was dancing over the soaking wet kids under the rain and the host was asking if they still wanted to play a game while parents are wanting to go home and call it an early day at 7 in the evening.

It was such a relief to finally be inside and embrace the warmth of our house. All of my disappointments and fatigue has disappeared especially when my kids told me they had fun and would wanted to do it again next year! In some ways it was fun, with people ready to give away their time and effort to organize a party like that and make children happy. Bless those souls who spend money buying those goodies and candies despite our economic crisis just to put a smile on our kids face. Bless that Hamburglar mascot who chose to dance in that Halloween party instead of being home.

If we only see things through the eyes of a child and be happy in simple things like they are, LIFE perhaps will not be that complicated. Then we can learn to appreciate everything and everyone around us. Find blessings either on being tricked or treated. So at the end of the day we can enjoy the fruits of success-- SWEET as candies!

memory lane...

Halloween, a day for the dead. Dead loved ones, friends, colleagues, saints, pets or even just an acquaintance. I watched a segment in the news the other day about a cemetery wherein its not people that are being buried-- but feelings. Why not? I asked myself. It would have been a relief to bury the negative side of you (just make sure you don't join them yourself 6 feet below the ground, haha!) and let your pride, pessimistic attitude along with insensitivity and other ugly traits you possess find their place-- down below and hope it won't ever resurface.

What about those nega people around you? It would have been very tempting to bury them as well but just leave the job to someone who is tasked to do it and wash that dirty thought away from your sinful mind! A soul mate once told me that there's always something good innate in each and everyone of us, just lying dormant for some reason. We see what we allow our eyes to see and make those we don't want to see as invisible. There's a reason why people behave, think and feel the way they do. They may not be right all the time but who knows how we ought to behave, think and feel?! We are our own masters and we are weaved different from the others. Its our right to express ourselves but we do not have the monopoly on it.

At one point, you may have argued with your loved ones. You don't mean to hurt them but you were able to. You don't bury the person and leave her from your past for it will always haunt you and darn that memory you got! You find yourself looking back on the good times when you're supposed to remember the bad ones, right? How can that be that you find yourself smiling when you're supposed to be smirking hearing the name?!

You can never close entirely your doors to someone who's been a part of you, no matter how you try. Like those people we visit on their grave each year, they're gone but in our hearts they're still very much in there. There are days, nights that we are haunted by their thoughts, their names, we reach out yet we could not touch or hold them but we know and we feel that they are there.

The love is not lost... sometimes unexpressed yeah...but never gone.

my flower girl...

mean what you say, say what you mean...

You must be kidding me?! That's my initial reaction when Dj (a friend of mine) told me about an eloquent spiel from my lost soulmate. I wouldn't have dare to believe him that the "flower girl" is still up following my trail. I had to laugh for all that she had comically said. I don't need to be brutal since she doesn't matter to me. She can say whatever she want to say and it was just like...yeah, a passing gas. I know the real story and in my heart i know that I'm just fighting for what i believed is right and proper...nothing wrong with that. I can sleep well and for sure anger is not in my heart at all so it can be seen on how i write my journey.

Things happened for a lot of reasons and you try to learn from every mishap and mistakes you make, that's part of life. Pick up the pieces and move on. I never looked back but obviously she did. Sometimes its our guilt that's making us look back, wondering what would have been if we made the right move? What the other person is thinking? A criminal would always go back to the site of his crime, is he not? Its the same conscience that makes us react negatively because we know they could be right about you. CONSCIENCE keeps more people awake than coffee, and not just some iced tea.

You're still free to say what you want to say and i won't even flinch. I would have to be in drugs if i ever talk to you again so, DREAM ON! good luck to you and uhmmm... i'd rather pray and read the Bible to bring myself peace and seek forgiveness for the word said and unsaid, so you can do those researching for me dear. :P I've said all that i need to say and now its time to heal. I've occupied too many space in this site for a person and things that belongs from a fairy tale land...i'm awakened!

Thanks for dropping by fella! It's a COMPLIMENT.

words...

more than just writing

Respect begets respect and excuses are just for the weak. we should all take responsibility to all our actions and words. Words are not just meant to be spoken and written eloquently but to honor them as well. What’s a man with articulation if without a word of honor? We can’t just drop them and go then pretend we didn’t said anything. You can fool a millions of your readers but to fool yourself is absurd.

Lucky are those who can see beyond other people’s feelings not just because they’re family, friends and colleagues but merely because they are human. Fortunate are those who can read yet clearly see what the other person is conveying and blessed are those who can accept their weaknesses and shortcomings regardless of their social stature. We all expect our children to be responsible even at the age of 7, so how much more for a 30 year old?

But i don’t have time to distinguish between the unfortunate and the INCOMPETENT…just be RESPONSIBLE!

awful wind...

simple pleasure

I often write for my own pleasure about the things that fascinates me. My mom said i'm very conscientious and i always took that as a compliment. Writing is my therapy from all the hurts and PAIN, from the disappointments down to my frustrations, to my JOY and success--my pen has been a constant companion. I always find a sense of satisfaction freeing my thoughts away as i scribble the emotions through my journals. Reading them back gives me a feeling of fulfillment of overcoming one obstacle after another.

I was and am content...that way.

Until i started to explore and spread my wings a little wider than i ought to be. Fancy the cool breeze only to be taken by an awful wind. That wind brought me to a different heights and promised me a tempting glory. Lost with my own parade i glide a different course...

I now stand between believing and betrayal, of trust and of love, of friendship and of foe, of simplicity and complex for the things that happened and didn't happened. I concluded, i can always soar high in my own pace and with my own ways. With my pen always hidden... from the awful wind's eye.

learn to be still...

I am but a flower in the wild
certainly know how to be alone.
I am a child of silence
and solace is my brother.

'till i wander around the desert
got lost in my own labyrinth.
sore my veins with its infusion
and made way to disillusion.

broken promises and failed relationships,
loving too much and trusting too soon.
all these fragmented my benchmark
for euphoria.

i'd close my eyes and dare not move
till the wind bring me back to silence.
i'd stay there and find my home
as i learn how... to be still .

last resort...

tower of strength

" Is praying like magic, mommy? " my eldest son asked me. I was a bit stunned i don't know if its because of the question or more of the answer. Some of us often look at prayer like some kind of a magic indeed, right? We tell God what we want and how we want it, when we want it and why we want it hoping He will do just exactly as He have been told through our prayers. Then we received it and when our prayers are granted we sometimes forget how to say "thank you". I myself is guilty of that.

Many of us pray as if God were a big aspirin pill, we come only when we are hurt. Prayer is not some sort of magic as well no matter how magical it seems to be. Major truth is most of us pray and remember to pray only when we are wounded, sad, in pain, in the dark, lost and in other negative feelings. Although the bible says it is good for in praying and talking to God will give us the peace that only Him can provide, it also helps that we remember Him, His goodness and love even when the sun is shining so bright for us.

I personally view praying as a way of conversing or really talking to God. Not just saying a memorized verse or prayers just so they were called "prayer". Praying is the time when I shed all my inhibitions away and lock my pretensions somewhere else. Bare and naked I open myself up and let every thoughts flow out of me. Let Him know what and how i feel regardless if its positive or not. God knows all our needs, our pains and our sufferings. But just like any other parent or confidant, He feels good when we approached Him and trust Him all our burdens. When we allow Him to be the Captain to run our ship rather than let God see how we run it and how we ruined it on our own. Then when our ship is about to sink-- that's when we call God for help or SOS.

Let us take time out to be silent so we can hear our hearts and our minds. Prayer also includes thanksgiving and praises not just asking for things to happen on our time like magic. Because what God wants for us is even better than any magical dreams we ever had. Prayer is not merely an occasional impulse to which we respond when we are in trouble; prayer is a life attitude so let's not make it our...LAST RESORT.